Being a good leader through radical honesty

Everything must go

Let’s be honest, haven’t you ever had that moment when you felt like bursting at the seams and wanted to say directly and honestly what you think of your counterpart? Haven’t you ever dreamed of no longer having to resort to white lies or no longer having to mince your words – in front of your negotiating partners, colleagues or employees?

How nice it would be to give yourself some space in these moments. Maybe even always, in every situation, yes, exactly – why do you keep yourself busy with pleasantries and empty phrases and don’t get straight to the point? Wouldn’t everyone finally be on track and you already much further ahead? Wouldn’t you be a good leader then?

“Your concept is a complete disappointment – not presentable. Who is supposed to be able to work with it? Your performance was really embarrassing – I’m ashamed of you. Don’t you realize that yourself or don’t you give a damn? One more thing like that and that’s it for you. Thanks for nothing.”

Radical honesty as a leadership style or life principle has something enticing about it and appears again and again – in the world of management and life coaching – in various forms. There are books on methods, courses on how to get started, coaching sessions and cult-like groups for radical honesty and living a lie-free life. However, there is also justified criticism of the concepts, especially the radical forms.

Surely you can still …

It is clear that without honest communication, we cannot empathize with our counterpart. Communicating our own feelings, undisguised openness, signals trust. If we are unsure of the other person’s motives or even distrust them, we find it particularly difficult to accept what they say or to deal with feedback and criticism.

It is also clear that not everything that goes through an individual’s mind at any given moment needs to be said. Not saying anything, “leaving it uncommented” is also a statement. Communicating silence can also have a powerful effect.

Anyone who simply blurts out what they think, unfiltered, formulated in the moment of boiling emotion – is very likely to end up looking like an asshole. And in the end, they will have done more damage than they have achieved their goal or convinced others to follow them.

A good manager. All of them

Those who lead must communicate. Those who can communicate well – motivate, inspire – lead more successfully and are good managers. It is astonishing how little attention many managers pay to the form of their own communication. There are several reasons for this, such as the doctrines taught during training or the perception of one’s own position and rank within a company .

Those who think strongly in terms of hierarchies and decision-making levels, those who believe that their formal status means they have less need to motivate and convince others, make themselves susceptible to a form of communication that is “alienated from life”. In other words: those who are at the top and set the tone believe that they no longer need to worry about its level and volume. A fatal fallacy. It is easy to imagine what goes on in the minds of employees when – shortly before a deadline and with an unfinished result – the person in charge has a meltdown. Or how leadership is perceived when production targets or project briefings are simply dictated and the people carrying them out play no role whatsoever as personalities.

Leadership is challenging and encouraging

Those who lead must set the direction, propose a path, define goals and KPIs and ensure that these are achieved. Those who lead must demand. But leaders must also motivate and inspire, not just demand, but also give, empower and enable people to achieve these goals. And this is precisely the key to success. We can’t get without giving. We cannot gain trust without taking a genuine interest in others, without caring for them, feeling with them – and trusting them.

For good managers, this does not automatically mean revealing everything personal and private or saying “it’ll be fine” after a briefing. It means living a culture in which everyone is able to communicate openly and honestly without losing sight of the individual. In which criticism can be expressed constructively, praise is given honestly and directly and the personality of the individual is accepted. What sounds simple here is not so easy in practice – not least because of ourselves. In too many places, we have sacrificed our kindness, our ability to empathize and our vulnerability to a “false” understanding of professionalism.

The experiment

If you want to know how good the openness and communication culture in your team is, then do the following thought experiment: Imagine a free, welcoming place. The place should not be too formal, let’s say a summer meadow. You have gathered your entire team around you. You and your employees sit in a circle on the ground, at a relaxed distance. You thank everyone present and guarantee that everything said will remain in this circle and that there will be no negative consequences for speaking out.

Then ask everyone present in turn for their completely open and undisguised honest opinion of your communication style – your leadership style.

What do you hear? What do the answers trigger in you?
Do you enjoy thinking about such a round?
If so, then congratulate everyone for a healthy climate, for open communication.

Does the idea make you uneasy or do the possible answers even trigger fear? Then the following could be of particular interest to you.

Everyone needs a compass for where they want to develop and how they want to behave. A leadership compass can help with this.

Forms of good communication, a good manager

But what is the best way to communicate? What framework do you choose for the form in which you communicate? Can a better style be learned? There is a golden mean between brutal honesty and manipulative hypocrisy, between relentless command and exaggerated consideration for sensitivities: Clear announcements in clear friendly words – specific and sincere, respectful and empathetic – with an eye on the feelings of the other person. Here are two concepts for good leaders to put into practice in everyday life.

A good manager communicates without violence

Non-violent communication (NVC) is a simple, proven and practicable concept for clear, unapologetic expression of one’s own needs and requests.

The idea of non-violent communication was developed by the American psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg during the civil rights movement in the 1960s. The aim is to improve relationships and cooperation between people by means of this form of appreciative communication – its opposite is life-alienating communication.

For use in conflict situations, Rosenberg recommends structuring your own statements in a fixed form. First, your own observations are expressed clearly – i.e. without judgment or interpretation. Next, the perceived feeling is addressed and the associated need is explained. In the following request, an action is asked for (or a solution is offered).

The following form is practicable as a sentence schema:
“When I see a (observation), I feel b (feeling) because I need c (need). So now I would like d (request).”

Our exemplary superior from above could sound like this:

“I’ve just looked at your presentation and the concept. Frankly, I’m a bit annoyed now. I have high expectations of the form in which we present our work and have communicated this many times. I would ask you to look at this together before the next presentation.”

What reads clearly and simply here is not quite so easy to put into practice. Unreflective assessments and sweeping condemnations are particularly easy to slip through our fingers in stressful situations. Communicating without violence requires special sensitivity and control – especially at the beginning.

Radical sincerity

Somewhat modernized – adapted to the language and look of New Work – this form of communication is offered by Kim Scott. Scott has had an impressive career in some of the leading American tech companies and has experienced a lot of good and bad leadership (and communication) himself. Under the brand name Radical Candor is a clear call to managers to “Challenge directly – Care personally”.

Scott contrasts radical sincerity with ruinous empathy, manipulative insincerity and repugnant attack. They represent the extremes of exaggerated directness and false sincerity. Further exercises and tips for implementation are given in the book of the same name, various talks and his own courses.

Whether under the label of non-violent communication or radical candor, both involve a very human form of interaction – clear, honest and friendly, sincere, respectful and empathetic. This is what makes a good leader.

A good manager doesn’t have to be an asshole

So how not to be an asshole?

To be able to communicate honestly and well, you must first and foremost be honest with yourself. Your communication and leadership style is closely linked to your personality, your own self-image and the perception of those around you. Leading also means being a role model – also personally.

Sure, stressful day-to-day business life, time and pressure, hierarchy and role thinking and our prevailing image of a leader are major challenges – but they should not stop us from leading better and more humanly.

The choice of means

When it comes to implementing a better communication culture, it is not only the personality of the leaders that is decisive – the right tools also help to establish a more human corporate culture. Direct and transparent communication channels, a feedback culture, a shared sense of purpose – what we live at Teamhero are also the ingredients of our software solutions – with which you in turn master your challenges and improve your corporate culture. Your team will thank you with stronger company loyalty, better results and confidence in your leadership skills. So don’t be an asshole, be a good leader.